By accessing, viewing, smelling, tasting, anticipating, or otherwise perceiving MarcusPoopTracker.com (the “Website,” the “Portal,” the “Constipation Mitigation Interface”), you (the “User,” “End-User,” “Accidental Visitor,” or “Plaintiff-In-Waiting”) hereby acknowledge, stipulate, confess, agree to, surrender to, and otherwise become spiritually entangled with the following comprehensive, omniscient, and cosmically binding legal disclaimer issued by The Company (the “Company,” “We,” “Us,” “Those People,” “Not Liable for Anything Ever”), wherein you expressly accept that The Company is not responsible for, aware of, capable of being aware of, or willing at any time to become aware of any bowel movements, near-movements, phantom gastrointestinal sensations, digestive premonitions, disturbances, explosions, implosions, or absences thereof that may occur as a direct, indirect, alleged, theoretical, or imagined consequence of your use of the Website, and further that any timestamps, severities, metrics, charts, alerts, telemetries, radiant poop icons, or high-throughput bowel analytics displayed on the Website are not guaranteed to be accurate, meaningful, coherent, medically grounded, scientifically derived, logically consistent, morally defensible, or even produced by real code, as they may be random, algorithmically mischievous, spiritually symbolic, or the result of cosmic rays flipping bits in RAM, and you voluntarily assume all environmental, existential, metaphysical, spiritual, gastrointestinal, computational, economic, karmic, interdimensional, and/or interpersonal risks associated with viewing, contemplating, interpreting, misinterpreting, or becoming emotionally compromised by poop-related analytics in any environment including, but not limited to, classrooms, funerals, weddings, courtrooms, senate hearings, operating rooms, or while flying a commercial aircraft, and you further acknowledge that the Website does not constitute medical advice, nutritional advice, legal advice, psychological advice, professional advice, unprofessional advice, or any variety of advice whatsoever, and that any perceived advice is coincidental, illusory, or the result of the User projecting meaning onto meaningless data visualizations. The Website is provided “AS IS,” “WITH ALL FAULTS,” “WITH ALL FARTS,” “WITHOUT WARRANTY,” “WITHOUT DIGNITY,” and “SUBJECT TO SPONTANEOUS THEOLOGICAL INTERPRETATION,” with all possible warranties disclaimed, including merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose, fitness for any purpose, fitness for no purpose, non-infringement, non-embarrassment, and any warranty that the Website will not loudly announce “POOP INCIDENT DETECTED” from your speakers during a job interview, and you acknowledge that The Company may collect, store, destroy, transmogrify, encrypt, delete, ignore, or trade User data including poop logs, metadata, meta-metadata, analytics, speculative bowel prophecies generated via machine learning, and any emotional discomfort you emit while reading this Disclaimer, or alternatively may collect nothing whatsoever; The Company might not even exist. You agree to indemnify, defend, shield, reinforce, buoy, fortify, protect, and serve as the personal legal bodyguard of The Company against any and all claims arising from your use, misuse, overuse, underuse, reverse engineering, ritualistic chanting, or interpretive-dance-based representation of the Website or its contents, including lawsuits brought by friends, family, coworkers, employers, clergy, gastroenterologists, rival poop-tracking platforms, or celestial entities offended by your digestive throughput. This Agreement shall be governed by the laws of the State of Confusion, the Galactic Federation Code of Conduct §42(b), the Ancient Scrolls of Digestive Harmony, and any other jurisdiction that spontaneously asserts authority, with disputes resolved exclusively through Binding Arbitration conducted via interpretive dance, rock-paper-scissors, coin flip, augury, or consultation with a neutral ferret, as determined at the Company’s sole discretion. The User acknowledges that poop tracking may lead to improved self-awareness, decreased self-awareness, existential dread, spiritual awakening, unwanted recognition as “the poop guy,” or paradoxical combinations thereof, none of which are the responsibility of The Company, and that access to the Website may be terminated by The Company for violations, suspected violations, aesthetic reasons, boredom, planetary alignment, or no reason at all, while Users may terminate this Agreement by closing the browser, fleeing the grid, or ceremonially smashing their device with a hammer. This Disclaimer constitutes the entire agreement between the User and The Company, superseding all prior agreements, promises, understandings, hallucinations, prophecies, and bathroom graffiti, and if any portion of this towering abomination is found unenforceable, incomprehensible, unconstitutional, or simply too stupid to function, it shall be severed without affecting the remainder, which shall continue in full force, effect, absurdity, and gastrointestinal enlightenment.
